I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
