dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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