the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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