I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
