i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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