my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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