I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
