Moan for me like Helen Keller
we made out on top of his cat.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We're too hungover to prance.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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