I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
