I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
