butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
