fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
