This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
