sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
