Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
