so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
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