I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
