Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
