she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
