she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
