I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
