I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
