Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I think people are normalizing furries
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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