so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
