My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
