I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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