I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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