Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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