Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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