I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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