Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
