How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i believe in u and ur pee
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
