When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
