You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
