They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
