Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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