woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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