i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
