sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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