My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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