dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
