Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
