I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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