So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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