I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
