Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
you made out with another girl for some wings
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
