i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
