2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
