you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
