my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
