We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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