she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
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You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
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I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast