He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
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Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.