i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
17 People Reveal The Reasons Behind Their Foot Fetish
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.