remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
