I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
