I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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